Today is one of those days. Not the kind when I gave great advice to a client to have more orgasms. It’s the kind when Birch wakes up and just wants to play the “Mama is hungry should she eat Birch’s belly or cheeks” game and cuddle and wrestle.
I do that as long as I can and then feel aware of the clock. The structure of the world that we all need to be on time for, even though I just want to roll around and cuddle and play too.
All the while, I am acknowledging the ways I have silently grieved all year about enrolling him in public school for kindergarten and how hard it has been to drop him off everyday. We are almost through the first year and last week we had the first day of me dropping him off and him running off to play with friends on the playground, as opposed to clinging to me until the bell rang and it was time to go into the school. On that day, I both celebrated his new found independence and grieved another place where he needs me less.
Today I tried so hard to stay patient with all of Birch’s silly antics on the journey to getting out of the house, you know the getting dress antics, the brushing teeth antics, the eating breakfast antics, the getting shoes on antics. I made it through the shoes, and then by the 5th invitation to put his raincoat on, I lost my patience. What I wanted to do was crouch down next to him and say, “Honey, we really need to get going or we will be late for school and work. Can you please cooperate here?” What I did was snap and sharply said, “Birch I am so tired of asking you to do the same thing over and over again. Get your raincoat on.” At this point, we are already late for everything and I feel like a failure on multiple accounts. I failed at the whole getting us anywhere on time game AND the patience game.
Today is one of those days when I really need to practice compassion for myself.